Marigold
Tweet me!
What is it, sweetie? You want another story? Its late…Alright, alright, let me see…Well, one night, when I was sixteen, I met a princess…I swear it, it’s true! Yes, a real life princess. You should have seen her, Lolo. She was so tiny, and she looked like she was made out of glass…Of course she was pretty! She was like an angel. She looked so scared and so lonely when I found her.
It was a night, just like this, only raining and very cold. She was standing there, in the rain, with just a plain, white frock on, looking at the sky. She held a book in her hands, wrapped by a plastic bag. I asked her if she was cold, but she said nothing and looked at me. You should have seen her eyes, Lolo! So big, like a deer’s, you would think they were about to cry, ever so softly…no, she didn’t cry, sweetie, she just walked away, into the park. So you know what your Mama did? She followed the girl, keeping hidden behind the trees as they went along. There was a man waiting for her, tall and handsome, wearing a suit. He picked her up, and carried her in his arms, keeping her warm, singing songs of a place that would take them back home.
He walked on like that, to the middle of the park, where the fountain was. You know, the one with the naked lady and water comes out of her mouth. Grandma takes you there, sometimes, doesn’t she? Well, at that very fountain, she squirmed out of his arms and went up the fountain so that she kissed the lady on the lips. She then climbed down, bowed to the fountain and waited. The man transformed into a raven, and settled on her shoulder. Well, the fountain began to do something very strange; the woman came to life…No, I’m not lying, it’s all true, sweetie! Hush, let me continue! She came to life! She stood frozen for a moment, twitched, and then turned around to face the girl, flipping her bronze hair behind her. She bowed elegantly before the girl. The girl then took out the plastic bag, showing her the book. The lady took it, and flipped through the pages, a bit annoyed, not bothering to keep it safe from the rain. After the girl gave her some worried glances, she shoved the book back into her hands, and beckoned her to lean towards the water of the fountain. The lady swirled her finger in the water, and a bright light appeared. I do not know what exactly what she showed the girl, but I could see a forest, a campfire, and some people…yes, a camp. She showed her how to reach a camp. At that point, I couldn’t help it but come closer and show myself. The raven turned his head; he had seen me. The lady of the fountain looked up sharply, and swiftly went back to being still. The girl turned around to find me, her eyes wide. Not sure what to do, I smiled at her. I ask her if she had to go somewhere. She turned to the raven on her shoulder, who cawed softly, and she held out the book to me, flipping it open to a certain page, covering it with the plastic so that the rain wouldn’t make it wet. It was dark out, so all I could make out were the pictures; one was indeed of a camp. There was a caption, and I made out the name to be one of a forest, not to far out from the city.
I gave her back the book, and explained to her I could take her there. Her eyes wide, she held out her hand to me. However, the raven hopped off of her shoulder, and transformed back into a man again. She turned to him, tugging his sleeve. He picked her up, and, in his arms, she cradled the book and fell asleep. He began to walk past me, into the city. I followed him, into the streets. He knew the city well; we soon found ourselves at a train station. He traced the train routes on the map with his finger, slowly, confused. I pointed to the green line, and explained to him that this was the one he wanted to take.
If he had heard me, he showed no sign. Instead, he walked past me, and went to the ticket master, handing him some money he had in his pocket. The ticket master gave him two tickets. Only two; none for your poor Mama! I had to buy my own ticket, and joined him on the train platform. He didn’t look at me but stared ahead, waiting for the train. When the train arrived, he walked in, and sat by the map. I sat across from him. As the train moved, the book fell out of the sleeping girls hands. I picked it up, and began to read through it, flipping through the pages.
It was a story about a princess named Marigold, and her friend, the Raven Man. She was exploring the castle one day, when she found a queer, large mirror. Her reflection, though trapped to move as she moved, eyes shifted differently; it was a different being! She slowly reached out into the mirror. To her surprise, her hand reached all the way through! The mirror self grabbed her hand, and pulled her forward. Struggling, Marigold attempted to pull herself away with the help of the Raven Man, but in vain; the mirror self had pulled her into the mirror world. The mirror world was flat and empty, and whenever the mirror Marigold walked past, the real one was forced to move with it. However, the Raven Man knew that Marigold’s world was just a story, for he was created before the story itself, and took the princess to this world. Their world is flat, so its parallel to the mirror…Yeah, like what they taught you about how people taught about the world a long time ago. But our world is round, so it touches the mirror world; all you need to do to find your way across is to find a door. Or create one. That’s how he took her here; by creating a door. Now they must find a secret camp full of gypsies that know the magic to send them back home so that they can send the mirror princess back where she belongs. They traveled to the city, lost, and found the fountain lady…Yes, you’re right. Exactly what happened at the park! The book talked about the train ride and described the camp, but the rest of the pages were empty. Enchanted by this book, I didn’t realize we had reached the stop until the man had placed his hand on my shoulder, and held out his hand for the book. I slowly gave it to him, swaying slightly as the train came to a halt. The doors opened, and we went out, together.
We headed out past the train station and past the road, until it stopped at an old station by the forest. We exited there, and the Raven Man woke the girl up, and sat her down on the bench. She rubbed her eyes, slowly, and reached out for the book. She flipped through it, until she could find the last page. It now described the forest we were near. Confident that this was the forest, she closed the book, and began to walk into it, beckoning for the Raven Man to follow. He turned into a raven once more and sat on her shoulder. I had begun to follow, but the Raven flew off of her shoulder and began to peck at my hair. I began to scream; it hurt! The Princess, alarmed, turned around. Her eyes were wide and sad. She slowly approached me and motioned for the Raven to stop. He did, and silently jumped onto her shoulder. She gave me one, long, sad smile and waved goodbye as she went.
Well, I went back home, and a few weeks later, a package was at my doorstep. I opened it; inside was the book and a note. I still have it; I’ll show it to you later…Yeah, really! If I remember right, it read, “A girl and her pet raven went to our camp and asked us to send them home. We did, and I’m sure she’s safe and doing well now because she left this behind and I’m sure she would have wanted you to have kept it.”
I opened the book and flipped through it; the book was complete! It was a nice ending; the Raven Man and the Princess returned home, restored order, and when the Princess grew up she married a Prince and they lived happily ever after…No, I don’t think I’ll see them again, sweetie…Yes, yes I know it’s sad, and I’m sad I can’t see them, too but I’m happy to know that she’s doing alright…It’s past your bedtime, Loretta…Goodnight, sweetheart…Mommy loves you.
TrackBack URI for this entry
Subscribe to this comment's feed
written by ginkazeryuu , January 28, 2009
written by shy0ne , January 30, 2009
written by tollie01 , January 31, 2009
It would have also have made the story 3 times as long but i feel that it would have been worth it.
Another item is the text itself, or rather the massive text blocks that you have.
Try to break these up more as it makes for a much easier read.
As for spg errors....i didn't see any but i wasn't looking either. There were no really obvious anyway.
written by ginkazeryuu , February 02, 2009
written by ameaba , February 06, 2009
One quicky—the daughter is called Lolo in the beginning (and for one horrific moment, I thought he was saying “lol” to his daugter in a bedtime story. D: ) but in the end she’s called Lolitta. I like the nickname, but I wonder if the story is too short to support a character with a real name and a nickname. It’s a bit confusion, since we only get to see it once, and we don’t have a lot to base the character on.
And now, for some sentence-by-sentence commentary:
“It was a night, just like this, only raining and very cold.” I’d say it like this: “It was a night, just like this, except it was raining and very cold.”
“You know, the one with the naked lady and water comes out of her mouth.” sounds like a question. I’d put it with a question mark at the end?
Sentence problems: “Well, at that very fountain, she squirmed out of his arms and went up the fountain so that she kissed the lady on the lips.” 1.) “She.” The last “she” we were talking about was grandma, so that was who I was thinking, until I saw “squirmed out of his arms”, and thought that would be weird for the grandma to do. I’d say “the Princess”, just to avoid grammatical confusion. And 2.) you repeat “fountain” twice, and I’m not so fond of repetitions in the same sentence.
“he man transformed into a raven, and settled on her shoulder. Well, the fountain began to do something very strange; the woman came to life”—like the man transforming into a raven wasn’t strange???? I’d make the “and then very strange things happened” before the man transforms into a crow. (Which, by the way, is very awesome. I love crow men. Yaaaay Trickster’s Choice!
) ( written by ameaba , February 06, 2009
(If you haven’t read Trickster's Choice, you should. It’s by Tamora Pierce.)
“After the girl gave her some worried glances, she shoved the book back into her hands, and beckoned her to lean towards the water of the fountain.” Like the first one, the pronouns “she” and “her” got a bit confused here.
“Not sure what to do, I smiled at her. I ask her if she had to go somewhere.” Mixed tenses here. I think you want it to be in past tense, so “asked” instead of ask.
This sentence is odd: “Her reflection, though trapped to move as she moved, eyes shifted differently; it was a different being!” And I’m confused about the setting with the whole mirror thing: is it happening to her on the train? Have you switched to a past setting? Is it in the book the man is reading?
And, lastly, I’d like for Daddy to promise to show Lolo the book! Like “No, I’ll show you the book tomorrow night if you promise to go to sleep. Okay? Promise? Good girl. I’ll see you tomorrow night. ☺”
written by calamari , February 08, 2009
You could also do a lot more with descriptions, which would be the easiest way to make the story longer. I couldn't tell whether Marigold looked like she was made of glass because she was small and wearing white or because she was transparent or what. You could do some really fun descriptions with the Raven Man too!
I don't mind the monologue format, but you might want to read some monologues and then revise. Instead of writing "..." (which signifies a trail off), most monologues have (beat) or (pause) written in when someone else is speaking. So "No, I don’t think I’ll see them again, sweetie…Yes, yes I know it’s sad, and I’m sad I can’t see them, too but I’m happy to know that she’s doing alright…" would be "No, I don’t think I’ll see them again, sweetie. (beat) Yes, yes I know it’s sad, and I’m sad I can’t see them, too but I’m happy to know that she’s doing alright. (beat)"
Also, you might want to consider breaking up that huge paragraph in the middle, like Tollie said. It's rather difficult to read.
Some SPG stuff (I'm not going to go over any of the stuff Ameaba mentioned):
She held a book in her hands, wrapped by a plastic bag.
In this sentence "wrapped by a plastic bag" actually modifies "hands." I think what you meant was "She held a book that was wrapped in a plastic bag." (Note the changed preposition.)
the lady of the fountain looked up sharply, and swiftly went back to being still.
The part in bold is an oxymoron. "Swiftly" implies movement, but "being still" is the opposite of movement.
The girl turned around to find me, her eyes wide.
I would change your verb usage here.
There was a caption, and I made out the name to be one of a forest, not to [too] far out from the city.
Can you rephrase that to use fewer words?
He began to walk past me, into the city. I followed him, into the streets.
You're saying the same thing twice here.
That’s how he took her here;[,] by creating a door. Now they must find a secret camp full of gypsies that know the magic to send them back home so that they can send the mirror princess back where she belongs.
Check the verbs throughout this entire paragraph. You keep switching back and forth between tenses.
So overall, longer and clearer, please. As is, I'm going to give it at 6.5/10.
written by keba si rota , March 10, 2009
There was one thing I was uncertain of. Was the parent a man or a woman? At first, I thought it was a mother, but then, I read various sentences with "your Mama" in them, so then I thought it was a father. At the very end when the parent says, "Mommy loves you", I thought it was a mother who was referring to herself in third person throughout the story.
It was a bit hard to read with all those big chunks of text, but I think that this is one of your better stories. I think fantasy is your strong suit.
written by elianamoran , May 13, 2009
Also, the explanation of the worlds, two being flat and intersecting with ours, was a bit rough, and one sentence in particular could use a little work:
“Her reflection, though trapped to move as she moved, eyes shifted differently; it was a different being! She slowly reached out into the mirror.”
other than that, I enjoyed it.
written by zaul , June 28, 2009
I really like the mother daughter interaction! Furthermore I loved narration. This is a great modern fairytale!
Really well done! I had one sentence I couldn't really understand though. Here it is:
"Her reflection, though trapped to move as she moved, eyes shifted differently; it was a different being!"
If you look into that I found nothing really wrong with this piece. In fact its really, really good!
